The Little French English Improvement Project

little french person trying to improve her english, little french english person trying to improve herself, french english person trying to improve a little bit… and blogging along the way. (Now in Deutschland)

Posts Tagged ‘difficulties’

Incy wincy spider

Posted by Alice Challet - alicethefrog on September 4, 2013

Some people have a monster on their shoulder, skeletons in the closet or a beast on their back. I have a big fat gluttonous spider inside my chest. It moves around with its long, hairy, spiky legs, nestles in my ribcage, somewhere between my heart, lungs, guts, and pulls strings and feeds all day. Its massive appetite carves out hollow spaces inside me, and my organs sometimes feel like they need to bloat out to fill in the gaps, getting entangled into the cobwebs as they stretch and expand.

The first thing that disappeared into the gigantic black hole of my arachnid’s stomach was my sense of perspective, years ago. Since then everything in my life has been either a miracle or a catastrophe, and every time my spider eats a new bit of me, I start blowing everything out of proportion. In my defence, it has got a very big appetite, and like a troubled teenager, when it does start feeding, it does not just eat, it binges. It does not just nibble at my self confidence. If I leave any lying around, it all gets sucked away. Of course it goes both ways, anything can disappear down my large black hairy, leggy pe(s)t’s oesophagus. Like any spider it can prove useful and eats away at all the useless flies. Sometimes it will spot my fears and doubts and anxiousness cluttering around and sucks them in like a vacuum till they’re all gone. These are good days: I feel big and roomy inside; I want to reach out to the stars and swallow the whole world in my embrace. I could breathe in and in and in and never be full.

It never lasts; my hungry spider is not picky with its food, and never satiated. After sucking in all the darkness it then goes for all the bright butterflies of stars and the night air and all my ambitions, gobbles the lot and spins its web tighter around itself so they can’t get back out. No more dark, no brightness, no nothing, just a spider resting and digesting, waiting for me to build up some more emotions for it to gorge upon.

I don’t like spiders much.

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